I Survived the Poontoon Tank
$39.69
Ring-raft art, big soggy grin. Survival not guaranteed.
Sold out (it never existed)
Parody. Nothing here is for sale.
Wear the chaos
Poontoon Merch (Allegedly)
Wear the chaos. Dry-clean the evidence.
Three items, zero inventory
The goods
Hand-picked by a Captain who has never once picked up a needle. Every price is real. Every shirt is imaginary.
Captain of Chaos Visor
$29.69
For the person who says "I got this" and then does not.
Sold out (it never existed)
Parody. Nothing here is for sale.
I Survived the Poontoon Tank, Speedboat Edition
$39.69
A speedboat of cheering people bursts through waves and flames. Yes, flames.
Sold out (it never existed)
Parody. Nothing here is for sale.
The fine print: Not actually for sale. The tanks live in our imagination, right next to the lake we say we clean. Not sure about your size? Check the official size chart, measured in lakes.
Notify me when the Poontoon exists
Join the waitlist. You will be notified in the order you were forgotten.
Measure twice, float once
Official size chart
Sizes are measured in Wisconsin water, because a tape measure is not on the raft.
| Size | Fits like | Best for |
|---|---|---|
| S | A small lake, or your cousin's pond | Kids' table floaters and one very brave duck |
| M | Medium lake, Green Lake energy | Sunday floats and polite splashing |
| L | Lake Winnebago | Fish fry recovery and diving board diplomacy |
| XL | Lake Michigan | Brat seconds, then thirds |
| XXL | Lake Superior (please don't) | Captains who say "I got this" out loud |
Read the tag. Ignore the tag.
Care instructions
- Machine wash cold, like the lake in May
- Tumble dry low, or on the dock
- Do not iron over the flames. They are printed
- Remove sunscreen, glitter, and cheese curd dust before washing
- Do not bleach. The sunburn stays with the tank
- If the tank survives the firetruck shower, it survives anything
Still want one?
Ask the Captain
Merch questions go straight to the Captain, who will answer as soon as he finishes floating.